I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
