I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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