Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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