as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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