I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
