Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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