you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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