I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
