I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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