i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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