Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
