Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
