I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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