Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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