I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
