Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
