Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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