I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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