She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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