fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
