I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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