He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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