why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she woke up with a sticky ear
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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