If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My penis needs a shock collar
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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