those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
