I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
