Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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