Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
