we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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