I wish my penis had an off switch
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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