ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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