She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
40s are totally the cure
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
