I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
im six kinds of drunk right now
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize