My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
