I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
