Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
