I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
