Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
