My room smells like vodka and shame
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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