please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
