im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize