It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
