I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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