I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
