so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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