My underwear smells like fireworks.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
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