When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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