how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
