I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
