I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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