just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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