so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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