I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
im on a boat
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