I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize