I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
