Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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