You're completely useless in the revolution.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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