It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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