After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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