Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
