i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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