I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
