"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
