i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
