I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
