I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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